Thursday, December 6, 2012

Bottling you up

December 6, 2012

Dear Finn,

I love the age you are right now. I want to bottle it up forever.

"I love you forever" I told you the other night "I'll love you for always mama" you said squeezing me tight. And literally, for a second my heart stopped.

You're so excited about your little brother coming and almost hourly you stop what you're doing and point to my belly. We tell you you're getting a baby brother for your birthday. You talk to the baby, lifting up my shirt and squeeze my belly button like he's talking back to you. "Hi baby brother" you say, hugging my belly "I love you baby."

Today you got three shots and blood drawn and you were oh so brave. You only cried a little bit. Every few minutes you would pull up your sleeve and show me your ward wounds so I could tell you once again how brave you had been.

We got your blood taken for your new little siblings home study. You were about to fight me, trying to turn away, starting to whimper as she pulled out the needle. And then I told you it was for your little brother or sister. "For two babies" I said and you stopped fighting with me and let her draw your blood. I was so proud of you. You're going to be an amazing big brother.

In the afternoon we went Christmas shopping for your little cousins and you found a hello kitty water bottle for your cousin B. You wanted it so desperately. "Please mama, pleaseeeee" You said. You were so excited and cried when I tried to make you put it back. We were only supposed to buy one present for each cousin, but you were so in love with that bottle I couldn't make you leave it behind. And so, we got it and you carried it around the store until we checked out and pulled it out of the bag as soon as we left. "A special surprise for Bentlee!!!" you keep squealing. "A special suprise!!" I can't wait until you get to help me wrap it and more importantly on Christmas when you get to give it to her.

I know this letter is random and doesn't flow right, but tonight I don't care. My heart is just overflowing so much and i have to write down how very proud of you I am and how in love with you your mama is. I don't know how I got so lucky to get to call you my son, but I want to cry whenever I think of it. I love you to the moon and back my little man and I'm so happy I get these last few months to spend on only you. We're going to have lots of mommy and Finley days as I soak up every second of having you as my son.



Thursday, November 1, 2012

Peter Pan


Dear Finley,
Last year we didn't celebrate Halloween, and your first Halloween we were in Uganda and while we went to a house party at the Howards we went in street clothes. So this year was your first dress up year. Nana Grandma made you the best Peter Pan costume ever and you were so proud of it. All week you would ask me if you could be Peter Pan that day and every day I gave you the countdown of how many more days until you got to be a little flying pirate fighter.

We ran by the store in the afternoon on the way to pick up daddy from work and Captain Hook was in the store with us. You started riffling through my purse immediately after I pointed him out and whispered as you grabbed my phone "Taking a picture of hook mama!" I almost laughed out loud. You were so excited and so certain he was the real hook.

By the time we dressed you I'm not sure if mama or you were more excited. We went trick or treating with Aunt Steph and Uncle Matt and Cole-Noah-Giannnnnnna. At first you were a bit scared of everyone all dressed up but after a little bit you warmed right up and got in on the game. By the end of the night you were running lopsided up to doors because your tote bag was too heavy with candy. "Tre or treee" You'd say at the door and then you'd grab just one piece of candy "thank you, byeeeeeee". You were the politest trick or treater I ever did see and something about that lopsided run makes me believe you were also the cutest one out there. Not that I had any doubts before. ;)

I love you my little tight wearing baby boy.



Wednesday, September 26, 2012


I will never forget I've been blessed with the gift of loving you.

Dear  Finley, 
I can't help crying happy tears looking at the photos Richelle took of us today. I don't know how I got so lucky. I don't know why out of all the mommies in the world I was given the gift of loving you, and having you, Finley Asiimwe be my son, but my goodness does my heart overflow. Sometimes it just stops and I almost forget to breath. Happiness is crushing sometimes. 

I love you so much my sweet boy and I just want you to know that. 
Every day, for the rest of your life. 
No matter where you live or who you become. 
Forever and always, I will love you. 
You're my bakeekeee and as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. 

I love you to the moon and back. 


Friday, September 14, 2012

Peter pan shoes

Dear baby boy,

You're currently a bit more then obsessed with Peter Pan. Every second you get you beg to watch it. Luckily mama has some restraint and doesn't let you watch it more then once in a day. But. My heart. You're just so perfectly still, your little finger in your mouth, your eyes fixated on the screen when it's on. It's like you're memorizing every word and trying to figure out exactly how it is they fly and I feel like my heart my break from the cuteness of you.

 So when we were in the city the other day daddy and I decided for halloween this year we're going to dress you as Peter Pan. We gave you the option of Hook or Peter,  since you do talk in a Hook voice to me when you want to get your point across.  But thankfully, you chose Peter. I mean after all, he's tights are awesomeeeeeee. 

Since there was no good quality costumes to be found and I knew you'd want to wear it a hundred plus times I asked Nana Grandma if she would be willing to make you a costume. Of course she said yes. You're Nana Grandma is the best, Finley. She's even making you a little sword and belt but I'm not telling you until you see it for yourself. I'm pretty sure you might cry you'll be so happy.

Instead of having Nana make you shoes though I decided to get you moccasins because they're cute and functional and, I was pretty sure you would love wearing them. What can I say, I may be a bit of a genius too. ;) We got the box three nights ago in the mail and when you opened the package you danced around the house wearing them for at least an hour. PETER PANNNNNNNN SHOEEEES. PETER PAN. DANCE DANCE DANCE. DADDY DANCEEEEEEE. You squealed . And you threw yourself around dancing. It was adorable. I don't think I have ever seen you that excited about anything. Which means only one thing, you'll be getting peter pan shoes for the rest of your life. ;)

I love you my sweet bakkkkeeekeee and I hope I can always help your dreams come true.

A million and one hugs.

Monday, May 14, 2012


Dear baby boy,

It is 10:28 at night and I'm busy editing.
Another day.
Another shoot.
You're fast asleep in your little crib and Daddy is playing video games waiting for me to be finished.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all this work and mommying.
Today was one of those days.
I cried a bit. Beat myself up over too much time on the phone taking care of business and too little time snuggling you.
We played play dough and walked to the store and got your favorite chips.
But you still fussed like two year olds do and I felt like I didn't give you enough of me.
The house was a mess when your Daddy came home and dinner wasn't even close to ready.
I kept telling myself, you can't do it all.
You can't do it all.

So I left emailed unanswered and we went to the park instead.
This mommying thing is hard work sometimes and sometimes I fear I'm getting it all wrong.
Then "all this time" comes on as I'm staring at my screen and I sit here, heart overflowing.
Hard work be damned.

How am I this lucky?

"all this time we were waiting for each other
all this time I was waiting for you.."

All those nights I prayed for you.
All those days I hoped and wished and dreamed.
And now, you are here, just a wall between us.

It's all I can do not to run into your bedroom and wake you up.

In case I didn't tell you enough today, I am so thankful you are my son and I love you more then you'll ever know.

I love you to the moon and back.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Two years old

Dear Finley, 
Today I rocked you to sleep in my arms. 
Yesterday you had a birthday. 
I realized today, even though I already knew it, that you're only going to be small for a bit longer. 
You're already so big and smart and funny. 
Today we played more then usual and I left my emails unread. 
We colored with your new colored pencils. 
We traced your hand. 
We watched Nemo, cuddled on the couch. 
You wanted to go to the park, so we did. 
We slid down the slide a million and one time and waved goodbye to it when we left. 
We raced around the block and drew with chalk out back. 
Your food became airplanes, and when you wanted juice for lunch I let you have it. 
Why not. I said to myself. Why not. 
We normally cuddle and read books before bed, but lots of times mommy is rushing. 
When you're asleep is when I get my work done. 
But not today. 
Today we laid in your bed and cuddled. We sang twinkle twinkle and back and forth and rockabye baby. You laid your head on my chest and we stared at the stars on your ceiling. "Pretty" You said. 
I rubbed your head and you tried to rub mine too. 
You're so sweet my boy. 
I love that about you. 
You're obsessed with elbows. Randomly you'll show them to me. "Elbows! Two elbows!" You'll say. You'll ask me to kiss them or rub lotion on them. 
It's so random but so perfectly perfect at the same time. 
I love everything about you Finley and I am so thankful that you are my baby. 
I love who you are becoming. 
Independant and strong and sweet and fun. 
Just don't grow too fast, okay? 
I love you to the moon and back.



Monday, January 16, 2012


Dear Baby boy,
For a few weeks now you randomly say "Baaakeekee" and me and your daddy always look at each other over the top of your head and try to see if the other one figured it out that time around.

It's been driving me crazy. Normally you get your point across, we point, you motion, we understand each other more then we probably should.
But this word.
I couldn't get it.
It was frustrating me to no end.
You'd say "baaakeekee" and kinda sway in my arms.
"Bakkkeekee?" I'd ask
"Yes" You'd say.
And we'd stare at each other both wishing we could read minds.

And then, today.

Today I was getting dinner cleaned up, Daddy was sitting at the table and you stood up in your high chair.
And swayed. Back and forth.
"Baaaakeeekeeeee" you said then a jumble of words that made no sense and "babyyyyy" in a sing song voice.
Daddy looked at me.
I looked at daddy.
"Back and forth?" he ask
You got all excited.
"Yessssss" you said in your little man voice, dimples poking out. "Baaaakeekeeee."

So tonight, we read Love you forever like we do almost every evening before we tuck you into bed.
And like every evening before I hold you in my arms and we rock.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
But tonight you try to sing with me.
"I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my -" I pause to let you get baby in. You stare at me rubbing your eyes.
"baby you'll beeeee-"
"Babbbby" you say off time.
I kiss you on the nose.
You snuggle closer.

I learned what baakeekee meant today.
I rocked you back and forth in your little room on your toddler bed.
Back and forth.
Kiss on the eyes.
Cuddling closer.
Back and forth.

What's crazy is I always thought the book was creepy before I had you.
Me and your uncle Ty would laugh about it.
"Crazy parents." We'd say.
But now, I'm starting to understand her, that mom who crawls across her grown sons floor just to hold him close and rock him at night.
Be prepared.
I am starting to rationalize it. ;)

Thank you for being my son Finley Asiimwe Lane. Thank you for giving me the gift of rocking you bakeekee every night. I cherish these moments more then you will ever know.

I love you to the moon and back.

Love you. Mama